by Irene M. Swerdlow-Freed, Psy.D.
In the last issue of Mental Health Matters, we wrote a column entitled "Frequently Asked Questions about Divorce," that was particularly well received. In response to this positive feedback, we are addressing additional questions parents commonly ask.
Each divorcing parent we have spoken to has expressed concern that his or her children may blame themselves for the divorce. Answers to the questions, "What can I do to make sure that my child doesn't blame himself for the divorce?" and "How can I convince my child that the divorce isn't her fault?" are sought by parents who are seeking ways to protect their children from the negative effects of divorce.
We advise parents to explain to their children, using age-appropriate language that mom and dad are divorcing because they no longer love each other and do not want to live together any longer. It is also important for both parents to stress that they still love their children very much and will continue to love them and care for them in the future. Children benefit from repeated reassurance by both parents that the divorce is not in any way their fault and that nothing will ever jeopardize the love they will receive from both parents.
There also are many fine books written for young children that explain what divorce is and how a child feels when families split up. We routinely use and recommend Dinosaurs Divorce: A Guide for Changing Families, by Laurene K. and Marc Brown because it uses easy to understand terms, even for very young children. Also, many elementary and middle schools offer peer support groups for children whose parents are divorcing. These groups can help children recognize the commonality of divorce and may offer a safe place to discuss feelings of guilt.
Divorce inevitably involves at least one parent moving out of the marital home. A second question we are often asked by parents involves how to best prepare their children for this change. After telling children about the divorce, it is a good idea to give advance notice when one parent is planning to move out. Younger children may require less advance notice than older children may, but in all circumstances they should be forewarned of this change at least a few days before it actually occurs. A brief explanation that dad, or mom, is going to be living in a new house or apartment is a good way to start, with additional information provided in response to the child's specific questions. Taking children to see the new residence before the parent moves into it and explaining when they will visit and where they will sleep may further help children adjust to this change.
It is particularly important to reassure children that the parent's move out of the home will not end their relationship. Maintaining close contact through phone calls, e-mail or fax messages are good ways to accomplish this goal. Some children prefer having a regular time for phone contact with the parent who is no longer in the home because it offers something to which to look forward. It is also critical to set up a schedule of future contact and inform children of when the departing parent will see them.
A third question parents ask us involves how to provide their children with stable and predictable lives. We strongly recommend establishing and maintaining routines for activities such as bedtime, mealtime and chores in a manner similar to the ones used when the family was intact. This gives the child a sense of predictability and continuity despite the major changes taking place in their lives. Many parents also find it useful to schedule regularly family time even if it is only once or twice a week, to play a game or to spend uninterrupted time talking directly to the child about how he or she is doing.
For some children, particularly those who do not easily adjust to change, remaining in the marital home for the first year or two following divorce may be a good idea. Likewise, permitting children to keep valued belongings at a parent's new residence or allowing them some input into decorating their bedroom may help children develop a sense of comfort in the new household.
Children urgently need tender, loving care and structure to cope with divorce and to avoid excessive emotional turmoil. If you or someone you know wants additional advice about how to discuss divorce with a child, please feel free to contact our office.
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