by Irene M. Swerdlow-Freed, Psy.D.
As can be expected, divorcing parents are often uncertain about how to discuss the pending family changes with their children. Parents often seek our guidance and advice to help navigate the unfamiliar territory of parental separation and family breakup. In this article, we discuss three common parental concerns and offer advice that research and our own experience has shown to be beneficial.
A primary concern for parents in the early stage of divorce involves what to tell their child about the separation and the change in living arrangements. The amount of details children require depends on their age and ability to understand this situation. As a general policy, we believe it is most beneficial for both parents to talk with all children at one time. This requires advance planning to clarify what information is necessary and appropriate to share and what details to keep private.
Children are most likely to benefit from information that directly impacts their well being. Brief, relatively simple explanations that do not assign blame usually suffice, with additional information to be disclosed in response to specific questions that a child may ask. For example, parents might begin by stating that they no longer love one another and are not happy living together. They also might explain that they have tried to find ways of feeling better about each other, but have not been able to do so.
Regardless of children's ages and initial reactions, we believe it is critical to offer immediate assurance that they will continue to be loved and cared for by both parents, even after one parent moves out of the home. It may also be helpful to explain those aspects of life that will remain unchanged, such as contact with other relatives, remaining in the marital home or continuing to attend the same school.
A second area in which parents have questions involves what other information to share with their children. We believe it is not useful to discuss information that is unsuitable for children, difficult for them to comprehend or casts a parent in an excessively negative light. For example, if one parent has been unfaithful and the other parent feels betrayed, there is no advantage to the child in sharing this information. Likewise, if a parent is not paying child support, there is no reason to burden a child with this information. These are examples of adult problems from which children need to be protected. Exposing children to these details only serves to undermine their sense of security because they are powerless to do anything about the situation. Also, venting anger or negative attitudes about one's spouse only exacerbates a child's emotional distress.
A third common concern involves what to do if a child resists spending time with one parent. Sometimes children may not want to see a parent who has left the family home and the other parent may be unsure how to respond. Should the child be forced to go against her or his wishes or should the child be permitted to lose this parental contact? Neither solution is ideal, and either one may result in anger and hurt feelings. Most children do not refuse to spend time with one parent if they feel they have permission to love that person from the other parent. Therefore, if a child refuses to spend time with one parent, the other parent needs to examine closely whether he or she is communicating a negative attitude toward the ex-spouse. It might also help to talk with the child and clarify his or her reason for not wanting to spend time with the other parent. One supportive way of handling this situation involves encouraging the child to discuss these concerns directly with the other parent, during their next scheduled time together.
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